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Opening Lines: Week 16

The Patriots opened as one-point underdogs as they visit the Baltimore Ravens in Week 16.

Words cannot express how much I hate the band of punks in purple, so I’m not even going to pretend to have any semblance of objectivity in my analysis. While I understand that nobody wants to hear some other guy’s bad beat story, I feel the need to share this one simply based on its level of absurdity. I needed ONE LOUSY TOUCHDOWN out of Joe Flacco on Monday night to make the finals of my fantasy league, and I also could have made two bills in my office pool if the Ravens won a high-scoring game. But I was OK if none of that happened since it would nearly knock the Ravens out of the playoffs and remove a dangerous Wild Card opponent from the list of possibilities in January. So what happened? They win a low-scoring game with six field goals. Six. Mother. Fucking. Field goals. As a result, I’m three hundred bucks lighter, and I’m not even going to watch this week’s game. Why, you ask? Because the first time Flacco throws a TD, I’m going to scream and throw my remote through the TV. And I don’t have money for a new TV now since they lost me so much money. Fucking Ravens.

After seeing the Pats struggle against a pretty average Dolphins team, I’m not optimistic about New England’s chances in this one. The job that Belichick and Co. have accomplished with this roster is admirable, especially when you consider all of the countless distractions they’ve had to deal with. At some point, that stress is going to make any team crack. This coaching staff is too good to allow that crack to grow into a canyon, but the chinks in the armor are readily apparent. The defense couldn’t shut down a team whose starting lineup are in timeout for calling names. The offense is relying heavily on Josh Boyce and LeGarrette Blount. None of these are good things. The Ravens have been slowly but steadily improving, posting a 5-1 record in the second half of the season.

This matchup is a brutal draw at a horrible time. I’m taking the Ravens with the hope that my selection will doom them to the same kind of failure as my other picks this season.

Other Lines I Like

Vikings (+7.5) @ Bengals

Actually, I LOVE this spot. The Bengals are maddeningly inconsistent. The Vikes have quietly played less than awful the past several weeks. By the way, how about Matt Cassell? He sure looks like a starting QB when he has some talent around him, doesn’t he?

Broncos (-10.5) @ Texans

Houston seems as if they have given up, and the Broncos are coming off a pretty loss on Thursday night. Also, the weather in Houston should be above freezing, so Peyton Manning might actually play like Peyton Manning for a change.

2013 Record ATS: 19-23-3

Record ATS since 2010: 125-121-5

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