Closing Lines

I’m using a little bit of a different format this week for the final edition of the year. After having my still-beating heart ripped from my chest last week, the only thing that makes this year’s Super Bowl quasi-watchable for me is the prop bets. It's like some sick therapy that does not directly involve self-medicating with copious amounts of Admiral Nelson and NyQuil. I know I'll feel about 12 percent better if I can at least dry these tears with some dollar bills.
 
For the year, I ended up going 33-30 (52.4%) picking against the spread. That just misses the profitability mark of 52.5 percent by the slimmest of margins. Since I began this exercise in 2010, I’m at 104-95-4, which is also just shy of profitable (52.2%). However, I picked seven bets this week, so don't stick a fork in me yet. I get back into the black for the year if I hit four, and I move into the black all-time if I hit five (or four plus one tie). So no pressure or anything, right?
 
Without further adieu …
 
Longest Made FG in the Game (o/u 44.5)
For the past several weeks, 49ers fans have been holding their breath that Akers doesn’t miss point-after attempts. With only one team likely to even attempt a kick from 45+, betting on the UNDER here seems like a license to print money.
 
Will either team score in the last 3.5 minutes of the game?
Two formidable defenses coupled with one freakishly inaccurate kicker adds up to a NO.
 
Total FGs Made by BOTH Teams (o/u 3.5)
Am I picking on Dave Akers here? You’re damn right I am! UNDER.
 
Team to Commit the First Penalty
I tried to pick the 49ers here, but I kept getting an error message on my computer that said my pick was invalid because every player on the Ravens defense throws the rulebook out the window when it comes to avoiding completely unnecessary personal foul penalties. Guess I’m stuck taking Baltimore here.
 
Number of Different Ravens to Have a Rushing Attempt (o/u 4)
Rice and Pierce are guaranteed to get touches, and I can’t imagine they’ll allow their trusty FB Vonta Leach to get shut out of the stat sheet in the biggest game of his life. Flacco will be good for a rushing attempt at some point. So there’s four. And as the youngest of six siblings, I can’t imagine these two brothers don’t try to run one trick play that counts as a rush, simply for the sake of one-upmanship. I’m going with the OVER.

Will Beyonce be joined by former members of Destiny’s Child on stage during the halftime show?
A resounding NO. Seriously, how could they perform anything from their Survivor album with Ray Lewis in the building? Wouldn’t the stadium just collapse into a steaming pile of irony?
 
49ers (-3.5) vs. Ravens
49ers. Because EAT SHIT, BALTIMORE. That’s it. That’s all I got.

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