Shhh… Don’t Tell Shaughnessy

Are we about ready to kick things off? Of course we are. Fall Sundays are made for football and in New England that’s the Patriots. The bunch beloved by Bostonians of all ages. Except for cranky columnists looking to stir the pot prior to the season’s start.

As “cranky columnist” could cover any fifty bile-spitting, ink-stained wretches in the greater Boston area, not to mentions dozen on bellicose radio talkers and callers, it’s best to specify the particular offender. This charming ne’er write well goes by the nickname of “Curly Haired Boyfriend”, a moniker coined by Crazy Carl Everett ten summers ago.

Admittedly, Dan Shaughnessy’s shot at Everett (Jurassic Carl, which may have influenced USS Mariner’s C-Rex nickname, another stellar derisive dig) was among his better. Those clever quips are rarely present these days, and Shaughnessy’s shots are of the pre-programmed mailed-in variety.

Such as:

The Patriots are the Nixon White House of sports. They see demons everywhere. They bash dissent, deny the obvious, and rely on a silent majority of loyalists (including some credentialed media) to pledge allegiance.

 

The Patriots have a Kremlinesque video camera trained on the assembled media during Bill Belichick’s press conferences. (Think they’d send me a highlight tape of myself eating cookies and asking keen questions over the last 10 years?) I’ve always wondered whether there is some in-house lackey responsible for logging the tapes and identifying enemies.

Indeed, the Patriots are as tight lipped a bunch as you can imagine. They hate disclosing information that could be used against them, because, obviously, the information other teams disclose is sprinkled into the Patriots game plan to be used against them.

 

But the kicker is the not so veiled accusation that some members of the press corps are in on it.

Great Googly Moogly! Shaughnessy, you’ve done it, again!

That’s why the secrets don’t get out, because Bill Belichick is the trusting sort of chap who lets people – who’s job it is to tell the whole wide world other people’s secrets – in on his secrets because they pinky swore to him that he was special and they would never, ever tell anyone else.

So then, who’s in on the fix:

Well, let’s see, obviously, Shaughnessy’s colleagues at the Globe have to be among Belichick’s inner circle. Because they snicker as they walk by Shaughnessy’s desk in the newsroom. And he can tell they know. Just like that time they stole his strawberries.

And Ron Borges over at the Herald knows. The whole hatred of Belichick and all-things Patriot specific is just a front, a cover to keep everyone from figuring his deep in Darth Bill’s Sith spell.

The local TV guys are in on it, because they all saw what happened to ESPN after Tom Jackson went off the reservation, so they all play by Bill’s rules.

So really, it’s everyone but Shaughnessy who in on it.

In the interest of full-disclosure, neither Joe Tetreault, nor any other members of The Foxboro Blog have ever covered up the secrets of the New England Patriots, its players, or those of any other professional team. That’s our story and you can best your ass we’re sticking to it.

Joe Tetreault, a contritbutor to Foxboro Blog, wears many hats in his work with the Bloguin Network.  Most notably, Joe is the lead blogger at Tetreaultvision, where you can read the majority of his daily content.

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